![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wigglewhiz) wrote2011-02-09 11:07 pm
Bubbly
In the words of our favourite internet star of the moment (well... probably of 20 minutes ago, but since he's now featuring in TV advertising in New Zealand it's current for us) - WHAT DOES IT MEEEEEEEEEEEAN?!
Work has been a nightmare. A floundering, firefighting, issue-generating, blundering around completely blind kind of nightmare. I have three staff members. Two are currently on leave. I acquired one staff member's work last night, and I have pretty much no idea what she does. The last staff member and I have been trying to split the last team members work, where NEITHER of us know too much what she was doing, and I certainly am basically no use to anyone because I'm totally in the dark about EVERYTHING.
It's been a mess.
It's been stressful. And not just for me - Team Member 2, who I'm going to refer to as Quiet Girl (there's Quiet Girl, Scottish Girl and Kiwi Girl, let's say) has been REALLY stressed about the amount of work she's having to do, and how Scottish Girl has left lots of crap, and rubbish notes, and has made all these MISTAKES, OMFG. Kiwi Girl, meantime, has had... at least two full-blown strops about working conditions and personality clashes and YOU NEED TO DEAL WITH THIS RIGHT NAOW type drama moments.
I'm exhausted. Just EXHAUSTED.
I'm a control freak, and I hate not KNOWING things. I feel completely useless, because I don't KNOW thing and I can't DO anything really because I have no fucking idea what's going on. Scottish Girl was too busy in my first week before she went on leave to show me what she does. Kiwi Girl actually works in a different office, so I have ZERO CLUE what she does. Quiet Girl is JUST SO QUIET, and sometimes I take it as quite kind of.. surly. I'm still not entirely sure whether she doesn't LIKE me, or whether she's just ALWAYS going to be this naturally quiet. Some of the things I've talked about trying, or looking at or improving, have met with a derisive noise from her and not much else. She's been good about answering some of my questions, and has let others pretty much just drop without giving me any kind of answer. Or worse, she gives me a PARTIAL answer, or gives me PART of something in that YOU NEED TO DEAL WITH THIS RIGHT NAOW kind of moment, lets me go off trying to work out a resolution, and THEN fills me in on the other part which actually CHANGES EVERYTHING.
I still can't work out if she's sabotaging me or... if this is a communication issue. I'm new. Maybe I'm not... I dunno, breaking in gently? But I feel like I need to be DOING SOMETHING, dammit. Yeah, it probably won't make me popular. But if everything was working perfectly we wouldn't have all this DRAMA every fucking day, would we?!
And my interpretation of DRAMA is very different from theirs. Things apparently used to be worse. MUCH WORSE. So everyone seems to be under the misguided impression that everything is FIIIIIIINE now, or at least whenever I look horrified at the ridiculous lack of organisation/communication/attitude/massive overspend that seem to be very casually accepted in the organisation, everyone just kind of laughs it off and says "HA! You should have seen it LAST YEAR! It's SOOOOOO much BETTER now!"
Is it?
Because it looks like shite.
It's not last year. BETTER is not GOOD ENOUGH. And stop responding to all of my ideas or comments or questions with "Yeah, well good luck with that, that will NEVER WORK."
Now I know why I was asked some of the questions I was asked in interview. *sigh*
Anyway, one of the other weird things that has struck me at work is the strange reputation I have which seems to precede me. I am, evidently, a "Bubbly Scot".
O_O
Seriously. What the fucking hell does "bubbly" even mean in this context? I'M A MANAGER. I'm a business graduate. I've handled projects worth millions of pounds (sterling, so double that for Kiwi dollars, goddammit). I am CONCERNED about the state of my team and the lack of processes in place. And yet everyone seems to think I'm... fun? What the fucking hell?
Is this cross cultural? Because I am a FURRINER, hurr hurr hurr, check your funny accent and your crazy customs? Because I guess in a way that's kind of fair enough - I DO have a different sense of humour and I *am* very Scottish (with the black sense of humour and with the VERY irreverent attitude to authority and institutions that we tend to have). But... does this mean no-one is ever going to take me seriously unless I stop... well, being me and having a bit of a laugh?
Is this a FAT thing? A GENDER thing? Having been fat-thin-fat, it's really INTERESTING how people's descriptions of me change. When I was thin(ner), people always described me based on looks. It was all about my height (petite), my hair (long and dark), or my dress - pretty much never about "personality" traits. Now that I'm back to being fat? OH LOOK, let's describe the fat girl in nice terms... uh.. she's very BRIGHT and BUBBLY. o_O Aside from the comments about BUBBLY IS NOT HOW MY INTERNETS FRIENDS WOULD DESCRIBE ME. FUCKING VICIOUS HYPERBOLIC SNARKESS maybe. Bubbly maybe NOT SO FUCKING MUCH - I could also say that I am still petite (in.. height anyway) and I STILL have long dark hair. I'm not against being judged on my abilities - I'm smart and capable and organised (sometimes), and I have weird thinking processes that lead to some pretty cool stuff. But I am NOT being judged on those things. I AM BUBBLY. It is effectively the equivalent of having that legendary euphemistic fat girl "pretty face".
*sigh*
Judge me on ability. That's fine. But please don't reduce me to a small set of acceptable female qualities - i.e. either "HAWT" or "PERSONABLE". What is this, the 50's? Give me a fucking break.
I feel a bit like a performing monkey. Today, I overheard one of the senior managers who had interviewed me telling Quiet Girl in the kitchen that he thought I would be "louder and more bubbly", and how SURPRISED he was that I'm quiet. DUDE, I'm trying to fucking work. You know, that shit you HIRED me for? I think he's disappointed. DISAPPOINTED BECAUSE I'M NOT AS "BUBBLY" AS HE THOUGHT. What the fuck? 1. Maybe you give me more than three weeks in the role before you decide if you're disappointed and 2. MAYBE YOU FUCKING JUDGE MY EFFECTIVENESS IN TERMS OF WHAT I ACHEIVE, AND NOT THE NOISE VOLUME COMING FROM MY OFFICE.
Sweet Jesus.
When I went to the LIbrary for my orientation, the Librarian's first words to me were: "I'm told you're a bubbly Scot!"
And then she just stared at me. Like I was supposed to pull a pair of banana shoes out of my memo pad and make with the Billy Connolly act right there. I was fucking tired and just said: "Indeed! Shall we get started?" The disappointment was palpable.
*sigh*
The number of times I've had responses to my emails that go something like: "Hee! You're FUNNY!" is... well, huge. If I had a dollar every time and all that you know the drill. I don't OBJECT to it, and I do try to be personable and humourous in my correspondances, and I don't stand too much on ceremony and Proper Business Form, but now I'm wondering if it's getting in the way of being RESPEKTED and whatnot and actually being able to DO MY JOB.
I do not want to be The Bubbly Scot. I want to be That Team Leader Who Really Knows Her Stuff And Who Sorted Out All That Shit - And She's Actually Pretty Down-To-Earth Too.
GAH.
no subject
Er. No. At least I wouldn't. I find you absolutely hysterical and you make LOL all the time.
Sorry. :/
Then again, I also have a terribly black sense of humor. If there was a color darker than black to describe it, well, that would be it. I'm also incredibly snarky and sarcastic.
I'm also described as "funny" and also "perky"
:-|
In terms of supervising, it took me forever to find the balance with my staff, where I could joke and they would still take me seriously.
So, for advice, I have 2 bits, which is probably what they're worth.
Fire someone.
The first time you fire someone, everyone else gets the proper attitude of fear that makes for a productive team.
I am not kidding.
Or, have a team meeting to pinpoint what you think is wrong, what you plan to do to fix it, and what you expect from them.
At this time, people are testing you to see what they can get away with and what kind of supervisor you're going to be. Nothing works better, IMO, than giving people clear direction and sticking to it.
The environment is shite? Keep it to yourself.
What do you need to fix immediately? State that and what you and the team need to do to fix it and why. No blame, no, You people suck and didn't know how to go about your jobs without me, but that this is your expectation for the future.
If it's too much, pick 3 things. Make sure you let people know how much you appreciate them working on these things and how well they are doing when they meet your expectations.
hang in there.
no subject
That was me just being silly again - I know y'all don't find me viciously eeeevil or you probly wouldn't let me be in your gang. And you wouldn't be in mine. ;o) I'm just railing against BUBBLY.
o_O
I guess I'm finding my feet - it's a PROCESS,a nd I'm not so good with processes, what with my lurve of INSTANT GRATIFICATION NAOW!!1!
*twiddles thumbs impatiently*
I can haz world domination yet?!
no subject
No, not yet. Soon, Pinky, soon...
"what are we doing today, Brain?"
"the same thing we do every day, Pinky, try to take over the world" Brain
I know, I rail against perky, but what are you gonna do? People think I'm perky. Wtf?
And speaking of perky, because that's what makes me think of this, the director of group fitness at Tufts University wrote me today to see if I'd teach a class (group fitness) and possibly a dance class (belly)
Haven't taught in almost 3 years...
o_O
and hugs back!
no subject
Also: NARFF!
Does it come as any kind of surprise that I love Pinky & The Brain? And that Brain is kind of my hero? No? I can't imagine why not.
YAY on dance classes! DO IT! Do it do it do it dooooooooo iiiiiiiiit! In the fullness of time you can totally force them to work on DoubleRainbowJazzHands material and report back to us on them like they're labrats.
And them tomorrow, it'll be the same thing we do every night, Pinky. TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
no subject
Bubbly is a very strange way to describe a new MANAGER to people in a workplace. It almost sounds like one person said it and people picked it up almost as a joke, because "bubbly" and "Scot" do not really go together in the popular imagination, do they? I mean there's no bubbles in shortbread OR whiskey and if tartan was bubbly it would be seersucker. Perhaps they just wanted to ensure people didn't expect you to be dour or headbutt them on sight ... no, really. I've got nothing, it's quite weird.
Many of my female friends throughout my life have been objectively quite small people, 5ft2 and under, and they have seemed to split evenly between being *very* quiet and shy, or overcompensatingly loud and theatrical. Maybe the fact that you're neither confuses them?
no subject
Now THERE's an image!!!
It does seem an odd descriptor for a manager. Of course, I'm not a HIGH LEVEL SRS manager or anything, but still. "Bubbly". It just makes me think of Manager Lite. Or ANYTHING Lite. Hee, you're so BUBBLY! I am competent. I affix you with the Stink Eye Of Supreme Competence, you git. o_O
I had an interesting meeting with the COO today so... I feel a bit better about my role and all at the moment, but still. BUBBLY. BAH! CURSES! ETC!
no subject
Certain physical characteristics do add to judgement. When I was still giving the Demon the benefit of the doubt in her early student days *snerk* I remember saying 'the reason she seems like a snobby bitch is because she has that kind of Roman nose that makes her look haughty'. Which is true, though it is also true that she is a snobby bitch. But I had another dance friend like that, who was shy and insecure but actually really beautiful and people used to read her downcast eyes, lifted head and strong profile, coupled with her slender pre-Raphaelite looks, as extreme arrogance. When it was actually extreme shyness.
You are kind of fortunate in that I don't think your mouth naturally turns down much. You always tend to look a wee bit smiley. Whereas unless I actually am smiling I can look very grim due to the uber-turned-down IRA sniper mouth of my ancestors. But that, combined with weeness (because yeah, you're round but you're also wee) and quick, lively speech and jokiness might translate as ... well, not bubbly but fun and nice. Which might fool people into thinking "soft touch".