Self Indulgence

Today was an absolutely GORGEOUS, sunny, blue-sky'd (skied? sky-ed?) day, and as I wandered out to the back garden to retreive something from the garage, I was struck by the desire to go to the park and hang out for a while in the fresh air.

I was originally going to bike it, but I decided that what I really wanted was to listen to some music while I was outside, so I decided to walk it instead and took my iPod with me.

It. Was. Bliss.

Recently I've been getting bogged down in the day-to-day drudgery of STUFF that we worry ourselves with. None of it is really IMPORTANT, in as much as no-one (hamdulillah) is ill or hurt or in some kind of TRAGIC CIRCUMSTANCE, OMG. I'm stressing myself every day about getting a job, our finances are stretched to the verrrrry livng limit thanks to me not having said job, and I'm BORED as all hell and feeling a bit worthless. I've been fretting and fretting for MONTHS about my dance "career", about the fact that I wasn't dancing and didn't feel like I would ever be able to again. I've been disgusted with myself every time I walk past a mirror and horrified that I've let myself gain ALL THIS WEIGHT and how my attempts to shift it thus far have been pathetic and full of fail.

I sat by the duckpond, watching people feed the ducks (no less than FIVE groups of people feeding them [with WHITE BREAD] in the 20 mins or so I sat there), and just enjoying the blue sky and the dappled sunlight filtering on to me through the rhododendrons dripping with dark pink flowers. And I realised none of this "stuff" really MATTERS.

Sure, it's a pain in the arse. And it'll be a pain in the arse tomorrow when the situation doesn't change immediately. And it may bother me for weeks to come yet, given my impatience and demands for INSTANT GRATIFICATION NAOW. But it WILL change. Soon enough I'll be at some place of work or other, lamenting that I have no free time anymore and that my co-workers are jerks. And if I don't choose to shift my focus from disgust at myself to DOING something about my weight and eating habits then I'll be choosing to continue to be this way by default - if I choose to actively do something about it, I'll get the weight off. And I'll get back to dancing if I really want to (and I do).

In the meantime, none of the little problems that irk me and grind me down day after day change the fact that I'm still here, gloriously alive in the sunshine under a wide open blue sky, listening to the honeyed tones of Abd el Halim Hafez singing "Zay el Hawa".

Sometimes, you really do just need to remember that life is good.