Pre-BD Wigglewhiz Musings

Potentially little-known fact among flisties: back in the dawn of time, before BD hit me like a freight train, I was an R.E.M. fan.

In fact, I went to this show, in the lovely grounds of Stirling Castle, back home in bonnie Scotland in... shit, sometime between 1999 and 2002. DAYUM, apparently according to one of the other YouTube videos it was 2004. It feels like much, MUCH longer ago.

My particular happy moment was when I found this one - because just before this video starts there was this fantastic collective moment, when Michael Stipe had pointed away from the stage towards the final disappearing rays of the setting sun, and the entire audience turned to follow his gaze, and there was this huge collective sigh. And he made some comment about how we'd all had a nice little moment together, before launching into MY FAVOURITE SONG. It was INCREDIBLE and it stuck with me ever since - it was my first moment of tarab, only I didn't know what to call it yet. You can kind of feel it with the rush of audience noise when the song begins, that's what kind of broke our collective spell.

The really interesting thing watching these videos back again is that I REALLY didn't realise the crowd was this big. I'm somewhere up front stage right. I was front centre stage until the very first song opened (Lotus) and the crowd started jumping and surging and I, as a short person, was lifted clean off my feet and just moved around like a little piece of flotsam in a big scary sea. I was hauled out by my big plush Mr Bump backpack straps by security before the song was even halfway through.

Anyway, our moment of tarab just before this is so hard to explain. This whole tour was one of smaller "intimate" venues, as chosen by the band. This one sold out in a RIDICULOUS tiny increment of time, and they could have sold out a bigger venue easily (I'd been to the previous Monster tour at the fecking massive sports arena in Edinburgh, where I was up the back in the nosebleeds and the people on stage were tiny vaguely beige matchstick men. In this one, I was close enough to see recognisable people. I could see that stripe of orange eyeshadow/pigment across Michael Stipe's brow. I could tell Mike Mills' shirt was VELOUR, baby. Or crushed velvet, whichever, it suited him. I could see facial expressions, and see the smile he has with the audience interplay at 1:02 and 2:02. It was SPECTACULAR.  You can see the effect in this later one:

 

See how the crowd are just INSANE?! The energy is through the damn roof - and see how we're all mirroring his hand gestures as we sing back to him? And how much he's loving it? Awesome. I even feel it again right now watching it (maybe you're all just thinking: "yeah, a crowd waving it's arms around. UNHEARD OF.") Maybe you had to be there.

Some time later, I would meet people who'd been at that show, and you'd say to each other: "Shit, WERE you? I didn't see you!" As if there was only a handful of people there. AND LOOK AT IT. It's huge. No wonder you didn't see your random mate there! And yet - that was the feel of it - the intimate, powerful feel that it was just you in your bubble at that moment, watching something incredibly special that left a mark on you. I can't explain for the life of me why, other than to say the band are FANTASTIC live and composed of seriously EXCELLENT and engaging public performers.

I've thought of this show and in particular it's weird "Were you there?! I didn't see you!" vaccuum effect many times since in my dance career - particularly when you come across people who were in one of your audiences and seem offended when you don't remember. It's a sea of faces when you're out there performing, but if you're lucky it can be a unique and powerful and special moment for you all. Chasing that moment of tarab is what keeps pulling me back to our dance, even though it's absence is a bit of a hole in my heart at the moment.

I've been a bit maudlin and.. strange today after going through some other R.E.M. tracks - my time as an R.E.M. fan was closely tied to my relationship with The Asshat Ex. I even had a sudden burst of awful, gasping tears at one song (totally unrelated, no reason whatsoever other than lyrical content) which suddenly brought back the rush of desperate grief that I initially had during the break up and  particularly the horrible night I knew he was having his first liaison with his new GF (don't ask me how I knew it was happening THAT NIGHT. Email stalkage. I DID IT. I'm not proud of it).

It's funny how music takes you places - raw, emotional places. Maybe even places that, like me, you thought didn't exist any more. And can leave you feeling in a very different state than you were when you started listening. It's powerful fire that we dancers and performers play with - the music in it's own right, the emotions of the audience, the whole vibe of the performance space.

Uh.... no real point to this entry other than yet moar navel gazing. I have no concusion other than: Hm. Now I feel weird. Take that as you will!