wigglewhiz | Does Not Play Well With Others (Reply)

Contrary to what you might think, I never had this on my school report cards. Actually, all of my school report cards were nauseatingly glowing, because I *loved* my teachers and I was incredibly attentive and well-behaved at school because I loved it there and never wanted to go home.

After yesterday's frustrations, though (on a Friend Locky post! If you'd like to read it, comment here and I'll add you if it's not about you. Or pretend I never got your message if it IS about you. Heh heh heh.), in conjunction with being asked this pesky "conflict" question for my upcoming interview, has got me thinking. Am I a jerk?

Probably like lots of people if you put your Retrospective Introspection Spectacles on, I've had a lot of conflict in my life. As a child, between my parents in the horrid custody battle that colours my childhood. In my first relationship, with his parents and extended family who just *did not get me* and who just blew my mind with their weird unpleasantness (and then later, obviously, the sudden firey dissolution of the relationship). In my workplaces, I've come across more people that I went to WAR with than I'd really like to count. My dance career is marred with dancers and teachers who would probably gladly CUT ME ON SIGHT and spit in my eye, as well as (what's worse), some people who *used* to be friends and who are now awkwardly civil acquaintances tainted with painful memories of being undercut or backstabbed.

So what's the common denominator in all of these situations? Me. I was there in all those situations and relationships. So... does this mean it's ME?! Am I one of those people who just rubs people up the wrong way? (Probably) Am I an opinionated arse? (Definitely) Am I intolerable because I don't keep my mouth shut? Am I just a horrible person to be around?

This morning I did an hour of boxing instead of my usual 20-25 minutesish, presumably fueled by yesterday's impotent rage. And even though I was tiring during the exercises, my recovery rate afterwards was good and I felt very energised. Boxing is the *only* exercise (well, aside from dance) that gives me that endorphin rush and makes me feel good - my other workouts comprising of running/lunges/squats/resistance band work just leaves me exhausted and sweaty and deflated and dissolving into a greasy stain on the carpet, what a wuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrllllllllld. So am I a naturally agressive person? Much as I complain about the conflict situations I've had, am I hard-wired to get off on the aggro and am therefore MAKING these situations (subconsciously) for myself?

I think the answer is No. I HOPE the answer is no. I think anyone who examines their own behaviour as often as I do with the question: "Am I being a jerk?!" is already by default NOT a jerk. If you're worrying about other people's feelings, and analysing your own reactions to see if you went overboard, then you're not a jerk. Which is not to say you won't make mistakes and you won't blow a gasket and you won't say anything that you regret - you're only human, after all.

I have a natural sense of justice that gets me into trouble. I cannot ABIDE bullies, and it's probably the single thing that's got me into the most hot water. A few quick examples:

The final straw in my relationship with my ex-partners parents came when I had the gall to drag his drunken father off his 14-year old daughter. He'd decided her constant bleating about how her brother was bullying her was getting on his nerves, so he thought it OK to attack her in the kitchen. Niiiiiice. I don't remember much about it except screaming at him that if he took a step closer to me I would PUT HIM DOWN, while his daughter's terrified fingers dug grooves in my flesh as she hid behind me. Asshole.
As a student, I made an enemy of my asshole Tutor when I got outraged and called him out when he LAUGHED at a girl's nervous verbal presentation. I imagine whatever I said ("That is absolutely OUTRAGEOUS behaviour!" was my loud opening gambit and all I remember now, but there was more. I probably swore.) in front of the rest of the class was embarrassing for him, because he took it upon himself to harrass me for the rest of the year, scheduling tutorial sessions for the only times I couldn't make it due to my joint degree schedule, and threaten me with expulsion from the University for "not attending tutorials". Ass.
After uni, when a very good friend of mine got herself in a sticky situation moving in with another mutual friend who suddenly became Batshit McCrazypants and was forcing her to accept all sorts of living situations (OF INSANITY), it took one glimpse of her tear-stained little face for me to bundle her in my car, drive an hour to the HOUSE OF CRAZY and happily take abuse from Batshit while we loaded my tiny car full of gear and got her the hell out of there. (Batshit McCrazypants has never forgiven me, since it's ALL MY FAULT rather than her being a fucking crazy bitch, but hey! Big loss!)

There's loads more - I've lost count of the amount of times I've called out managers for making a colleague cry, or put myself in the line of fire to protect someone who was a little more fragile. As a fiercely protective and loyal friend, and for some reason Self-Appointed Protector Of The Underdog, I reckon I can't really be a jerk.

Perhaps I just enjoy the chance to have an argument? If I was just into arguing for arguments sake, then you'd think the times when someone has a go AT ME would certainly get me going. It certainly annoys me, but I rarely if eer do anything about it. The time Drunk Slapper slapped me in the face? I laughed it off, despite my friend nearly dying of shock, and downplayed the whole thing to avoid a scene. (RAGED about it later, but didn't do a thing). Before that there was the time when she had a friend ask me to leave a public bar because my mere presence was "distressing" her. Never mind the fact that I was sitting in the other side of the bar, with a person who had INVITED me along, I left just to avoid a scene. If that had been some other poor bugger being told that they weren't welcome in a public bar because some fucking mental person felt their presence was somehow unacceptable, you can bet I'd have been the first person saying: "WTF?! She's got as much right to be here in a public space as anyone! If you're mental enough to have a problem with people being out in public, maybe you should take YOURSELF off home!" But since it was me, I made conciliatory noises to the very upset colleague who'd invited me along, and kept my self-pitying tears for the walk home.

Does that make me less of a jerk? I'd like to *think* so, but it doesn't seem to make you any LESS of a jerk in other people's eyes. If you're a strong person, if you have principles, some other people are not going to like you. They're going to make accusations about how RIGID and UNFLINCHING and UNFAIR you are, not notice that you're fiercely loyal, or that you're generally private with your beliefs until pushed. They're going to project values onto you because of what they know about your personality, and even in the case where you've done nothing they will assume and accuse you of things - and even where you take steps to accommodate their self-obsessed persecution complexes all they'll remember is that YOU WERE THERE WITH YOUR DISAPPROVING FACE, OMG SHE IS SO HORRIBLE WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Tiring. So I've decided that while I'm not a jerk, I'm tired of being an apologist for not being a jerk. I'm tired of tip-toeing round the obnoxious people just in the interests of keeping the peace. I'm tired of being PC being unacceptable, but the rude people being able to call ME on being - oh, irony of ironies - RUDE TO THEM for taking a stance on an issue. I'm tired of people who project their bitchiness onto me, assuming that I'm BITCHY McSUPERBITCH and getting all righteously upset about my supposed nastiness - and then bitching behind their hands about it. I'll stay dignified and quiet on most things, but I'm not going to let people get away with it when they're letting their assholeness shine through. (ew).

I'm not a jerk. And I'm going to stop double-checking myself and censoring myself *just in case* someone thinks I might be one.