Because It's Been A While Since I Had A Good Rant About Nothing

[wigglewhiz]

Have a squizz at this advertisement, which appears with IRRITATING regularity on my television.

REALLY?!

First off, I absolutely, just cannot fucking STAND the start of the song Shout. I cannot abide it. Poor old Lulu screeching "WEEE-EEEE-EEE-EEE-EEEEE-EEEEEEEEL" immediately has the effect of making my scalp retreat (which happens when I'm REALLY, REALLY ANGRY - I think it's some kind of evolutionary mechanism like when a cat flattens it's ears), sets my teeth on edge, and has me reaching for the remote to furiously jab the "mute" button or to change channels.

What IS it with goddamned feminine hygeine adverts where they have to be so fucking NOISY and VISIBLE? Did you think this symbolised "fun!", Marketing Team? Because what it really symbolises is "FUCKWITS". Or "INCANDESCENT RAGE". Or straightforward GET THIS SHIT OFF MY TELLY RIGHT NAOW.

I'm not sure these ever played outside the UK, but remember the Bodyform advert? Where the fucking rawk chick (FUN! You too can be a rawking rawk chick! Even when your uterine lining is sloughing off!) yelled WHOAAAAAAAAAH BODYFO-ORM! BODYFORMED FOR YOOOOOOOOU!!!? That advert used to drive both me and my mother absolutely INSANE. My mum would yell "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, BAHDYFAHRM!" like an enraged muppet, which was quite entertaining in a "must lighten mood before we smash the fucking television" kind of way.

You know, Marketing Team, the thing is - we women kinda know about that whole menstruation thing. We know how it works. We know the kind of products we might buy. And while we might appreciate the dollars you're putting into making these product better for us, we kind of DON'T want you SCREAMING about them in our living rooms, 'kay? It's bad enough we have to put up with the PMS and the cramps and the INCOVENIENCE of the whole thing when it happens, but to have you SCREECHING your upbeat adverts  in our homes in what little non-PMS time we have, all "PERIODS! YAAAAAAAY! LOOK, WE MADE TAMPONS WITH LITTLE SHEETS ON LIKE LITTLE GHOSTS! FUN FUN FUUUUUNNNN!" makes us want to fucking rip our scalps off and firebomb your offices. This is perhaps not a successful marketing strategy, is what I'm saying. (Also, that if I need my tampons to have little wingy sheets on them to fill out some kind of VACUOUS CAVERN and catch resulting extraneous free-falling fluid, MAYBE I HAVE A WORSE PROBLEM THAN JUST MENSTRUATION.)

And seriously, Libra (back to the advert currently filling me with rage) - are you REALLY trying to tell me that your screamingly amazing new tampon developments are so great that I'll join the FLOCKS of women screaming with Boyband-worthy glee in the tampon aisle of my local supermarket? That I will DROP MY EGGS (and seriously, is there a hidden message there? Is that a euphemism or what?!), or clutch my long flowing hair and scream scream scream, or PASS OUT ALL CROSS-EYED WITH EUPHORIA?

Dudes. "Rounded tip". Well, HOLY SHIT. It's not like any other brands of tampons have been doing that for, like, EVER.

KNOTTED STRING. Oh dear god above, that is THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER HEARD OF! Revolutionary! What did we EVER do before this?! I WAS USING A SHOEHORN. *eyeroll*

Twist wrap! Well! That's maybe the ONLY vaguely innovative thing that you have here, Libra. It's marginally less annoying than the cigarette-wrapper-style pull tab. But it's HARDLY worth screaming and passing out over.

You DO make me want to shout, Libra. And what you make me want to shout is: "FUCK OFF!!1!"

Comments

[beafarhana.livejournal.com]

OFFS! Who thought that was going to be a good idea?

I pretty much hate all advertising for feminine hygiene products. I do not want to be told how I feel when I've got my period. I fucking well know, and it hardly ever involves going around in white trousers, or going rollerskating (that Bodyform advert has scarred me) and it certainly never involves making a spectacle of myself in the supermarket.

I was particularly nauseated by one advert which referred to the rounded tip as making them "easier to... you know... use". Every time it played, I was mentally editing that to "easier to... you know... stick up your fanny"

I am joining you in the "FUCK OFF!!1!"

[wigglewhiz.livejournal.com]

LOL! I know the one you mean. And the conspiratorial/suggestive TONE of the "easier to... YOU KNOW" pissed me off too.

IT'S JUST A NECESSARY ACTION. If you think talking about it in a "saucy" tone is somehow going to get me to buy your product, there is something DEEPLY fucking wrong with you people.

*huffs*

[suzycat.livejournal.com]

I await the day, probably hopelessly, that someone advertises menstrual products without using blue liquid.

And yeah, without that bizarre mix of shoutiness and coyness.

I did like that old Libra one where the woman used a pad to soak up the bloodstain on the floor from where she'd killed her lover. That may be the only menstrual advertisement in the history of the world that actually had blood in it.

[wigglewhiz.livejournal.com]

Hmmm, that sounds like an advert which would actually be quite wry and appropriate. I may approve of that one.

And yes to the mystery blue liquid of inoffensiveness. Which is also evidently what goes into baby nappies. o_O