Uh... Wow.

[wigglewhiz]

So I downloaded some free video capture software in an attempt to make my webcam make do until I can afford a Flip. (Which Himself keeps trying to talk me out of, because There Are Other Gadgets and other boy talk, but I WANT A FLIP.)

Wow.

First off, the footage is useless for pretty much anything dance-related because it is so JERKY and crappy.

Which, THANK FUCK, because NOBODY NEEDS TO SEE WHAT I LOOK LIKE ON FILM.

T_T

Oh my god.

I mean, I KNOW I have put the weight back on. I KNOW what size clothes I'm having to wear, despite my best attempts to avoid shopping for clothes and having to admit that I need to buy THAT SIZE.

And yet - horrifying. HORRIFYING. I didn't *think* I was pretending to myself that I wasn't the size I am, but since it was such an UNPLEASANT SURPRISE I guess I have been. For some time.

But more than that (as if that weren't bad enough in all of it's OMG YOU FUCKING WHALE, WHY DON'T YOU GO EAT A WHOLE CHEESCAKE? OINK OINK OINK, PIGGY! glory), my technique is Just. So. BAD.

I suck.

I look like a BEGINNER on there. All clumsy weight shifts and lack of balance and that arm carriage that signifies (OMG WHAT DO I DO WITH MY ARMS?!) 9 years of dancing (although the last four of them very much on and off on the ACTUALLY PHYSICALLY DANCING side), up in smoke. Gone. RANK AMATEUR STATUS, I barely deserve it.

This was NOT the point of practising. *sigh* And I know my self-defeatist talk is allllll part of the problem, because instead of actually FORCING MY WAY THROUGH IT and putting in the practise required to get my technique back to where it should be, I sat right back down to whine about how much I suck. And instead of breaking out the weights or the workout gear, you can bet your ass if I had the goods in the pantry I WOULD BE EATING THEM. And if I had the money to buy one, I'd be out at the shops looking to buy a cake. For once I'm actually thankful that we are BROKE and living on noodles.

Self-sabotage. It is my MOST ANNOYING fucking trait. And I really don't know how to bloody STOP MYSELF from doing it. I was always unhappy at this size, but this time round, KNOWING what it feels like and what I look like when slimmer... you'd think that would be helpful?  A motivator? A "been there before, can get there again" kind of thing? WRONG. All I can think about is the loooooooong road ahead if I try to do anything about it, of the DENIAL of tasty things, of the RED-FACED FUTILITY and humiliation and horror of trying to exercise.
 

GAH.

I KNOW I need to stop thinking that way. I KNOW that the long boring road of getting the weight off again won't be that long looking back on it from the successful side. I know these things in my head. But I don't FEEL them - all I feel is.... defeated and depressed and despondent and lots of other words beginning with D and synonymous with SHITE.
 

Comments

[mizmarti.livejournal.com]

Everything everyone else said, times a gazillion.

Also, I have to ask: are you *absolutely* sure there's not some horizontal distortion going on with your video conversion? It's not at all unusual, and the other video glitches you mentioned make it seem likely.

I ask because (dun dun dun) this very same thing happened to me a few months ago. I knew I had regained quite a bit of weight but hadn't seen myself on video in months, so I completely trusted what the camera was showing me and I Flipped The Hell Out. Total shock and horror, both at how I looked and how much it seemed I had been deluding myself. I was all boobs and butt and a face like the full moon. Even my flat, straight hair looked fat. I finally went wailing to a friend, who immediately pointed out to me that everyone else in the place -- the waiters, the band, the audience -- ALSO looked like Shrek on the video. I was so focused on my own size that I hadn't even noticed!

When we got it fixed I was certainly visibly bigger than I had been, but not orders-of-magnitude bigger. Cameras lie. Don't let the little shits turn your life upside-down. *smooch*