SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

[wigglewhiz]

Dear Fuckwits Outside My Fucking House,

Look, I know you've decided in your infinite wisdom that the tree that used to live outside my house was a total inconvenience and that instead it might be nice to make a parking bay outside my window. I don't understand, but I know that's your plan.

I like that you gave me warning you were going to cut it down, you know, what with the RIGHT OUTSIDE MY BEDROOM WINDOW part, and the huge noise that would be made. However, I have to say it was kind of rude when you didn't actually stick to the dates on the warning letters - I WAS hoping that someone had seen sense to keep the pretty Eucalyptus trees up and down our street, that there had been some kind of Neighbourhood Curtain Twitchers meeting that was successful totally without my participation. (That kind of reinforced the thought that the neighbours think I'm a crazy lady and wouldn't invite me to their parties/bitch sessions/Important Neighbourhood Business, but that's OK since sense was acheived.)

Except it wasn't acheived, was it? Because randomly two weeks AFTER the period in your letter you turned up with your chainsaws! YOUR FUCKING BUZZY, BUZZY CHAINSAWS that reverberated through my entire house and set my teeth on edge and really, you might have wanted to put something in your letters along the lines of: "Dude, we're coming to cut down that tree outside your house and MAN the noise is going to FUCK YOU UP. Go stay with a friend or hit the beach or hide out in the park or something so you don't go batshit".

Also? The guy who didn't realise he left the petrol cap off the chainsaw and while he was turning the damn things over in his hands to work out why it wouldn't go BKRZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ in that endearing fashion? And therefore spilt petrol in a hilarious fashion all over himself and the ground and my garden? I kind of wish he'd fucking caught fire.

So having managed to EVENTUALLY cut down the pretty tree outside my window some time ago, can I just ask what the fuck you're doing back outside my house? The noise sounds kind of like chainsaws again. Are you SERIOUSLY cutting the mutilated stump out of the ground with.. CHAINSAWS? Are you fucking crazy? And the grinding, grinding, mechanical noise that sounds like some kind of hardcore steampunk robot groans of pleasure, what IS that? Because it's AMAZINGLY permeating, it is SHAKING MY FUCKING FLOORBOARDS, and since the handyman FELL THROUGH THE FLOOR in the spare bedroom because of bore beetles eating the floorboards I'm finding it a bit disconcerting that my floor feels like some kind of giant mobile set to vibrate. It's also juuuuust on the right side of the very low pitch that Mythbusters reliably informs me drives elephants insane. While there are no elephants in the petting zoo thing beside my house, I would like to point out to you that in human terms I am quite big, so this is likely why you are driving me OUT OF MY FUCKING MIND.

Did you purposefully pick the day I finally decided to stop procratinating and get on with my interview preparation? Did you KNOW somehow? Are you in cahoots with Company E to fuck me over? DID ONE OF THE OTHER CANDIDATES PAY YOU TO DO THIS? Because it's really super effective and I reckon you could make money selling this technique to any governments that are engaged in trying to weed entranched dictators out of their bunkers - I would GLADLY listen to STEPS or even fucking BOYZONE or something at earbleedingly loud levels rather than endure any more of your gnawing, oscillating BKRZZZZZZZZZTing.

So in conclusion, whatever the fuck you're doing out there, it better be fucking worth the fact that I have ground my teeth down to tiny gritty stubs, and am having to wear earplugs IN MY OWN HOUSE, DURING THE FUCKING DAY, when I ALSO have to wear them at night because of the snoring of Himself. I only have little ears and the earplugs REALLY HURT after a while, not that you bastards care with your fucking massive teacup headphones on to protect yourselves, you bunch of worthless cuntos. I hope you're fucking happy.

Oh, and you better get your goddamned truck and your fucking road cones the hell away from my driveway before I decide to vacate the premises, because I will totally make sure I swerve and take out as many of you as possible totally by "accident". And I WILL be able to get away with it on the grounds of provocation - any jury in the land will believe me, with my crazy hair and my eye twiching and all.

Cheerfully telling you to SHUT THE FUCKING HELL UP,

Wiggle
xxx

Comments

[suzycat.livejournal.com]

Are you SERIOUSLY cutting the mutilated stump out of the ground with.. CHAINSAWS? Are you fucking crazy?

That's not crazy! That's KIWI INGENUITY! There's probably number 8 fencing wire involved.

Ugh, could you go for a walk and sit in a cafe or something?

[wigglewhiz.livejournal.com]

Alas, it has been raining ALL DAY, so walking into town is a no-go. Mercifully they have FINALLY packed up their perverted Robot Sex Noise Maker and buggered off, so all is quiet save for the V8's that occasionally roar by and the endless damp squish of falling rain. Blech.

Also: I very much suspect there was a no. 8 wire in there SOMEWHERE. There was about to be one round the nearest dudes throat all garrotey stylee. >oS

[nikkiraqs.livejournal.com]

Oh no! That's a nightmare! Hope it all goes quiet SOON!