wigglewhiz | Mwa! Mmmmmmmwa! Mwa! (Reply)

Thank you SO much to all my lovely flisties who commented yesterday and gave me luvs and supports. You made me cry, damn you all. (You know, in that way when you're RIGHT ON THE EDGE just managing to hold back the tears and then someone says something nice and you're all: "OH GOD, don't be NICE to me! *sob sob sob sob sob sob*"? Yeah. Like that.)

I've gone into Holding Pattern mode at the moment. My mum told me off for having a "knee jerk" reaction and being all I AM GOING TO HAVE TO GO HOME, WOE IS ME, FAIL AND DOOM etc. I am... still kind of having that reaction, and am still a bit close to the teary precipice which suggests I am not entirely rational about things right now. Therefore, the best bet is probably to just sit still and do nothing, think nothing, plan nothing for a couple days - just try to get over it and pick myself up and BREATHE before making any rash decisions.

I usually pick myself up pretty quickly after job rejections (although there's always a moment of WOE IS ME because I am a certified Drama Queen), but this one... this one hurts more. This one definitely feels bigger and having it here so far from home is... scarier and MOAR SIGNIFICANT feeling. I've had a browse through the job vacancies (what little of them are to be had, rural backwater small town caveat blaaaaaaaaaaaaab), and that was kind of just another punch to the gut - my instant reaction to them was pretty bad, since the only available vacancy I can apply for is for some fucking awful looking admin assistant/receptionist a Company F, who have rejected me for a higher position no less than TWICE. I imagine the pay will be RUBBISH and the climbdown from applying for Positions Of AWESOMENESS back down to fucking Admin Monkery sticks in my craw.

And I KNOW that makes me a horrible, unrealistic snobby cow. My mother has already told me so and said I need to pull my finger out and WORK IN A SHOP if I need to. I didn't bother reminding her about the SHOE SHOP INTERVIEW that I also fucking failed, because I guess she needs her moment of lecturing me to feel like she's involved and being appropriately motherly in my moment of need halfway across teh wurld. Thanks, ma.

*sigh*

Anyay, Himself and I had a big heart-to-heart last night about our future plans, and I gret (past tense of greet, find definition here although you'll need to type the word in yourself ) and snottered and ranted and swore and flailed and just generally was a massive overdramatic pain in the arse. I threatened that going home would be the end of us (DUN DUN DUUUUUUN) as a couple because neither of us really WANTED to go home and therefore there would be angst and anger and HATE, and then Himself got really upset and I realised my being a wallowing self-flaggelating asshole was really helping neither of us, but TOO LATE because I'd already upset someone I love and had to deal with the GUILT of being a shitty person on top of everything.

*sigh*

So, Holding Pattern it is. A few days to just calm down, stop being a fucking over-reacting Drama Queen eejit and start to process things rationally. And then we'll decide what to do from here. Expect either stream-of-consciousness ramblings (apologies in advance) here as I try to sort myself out, or conspicuous silence as I avoid thinking about anything. Since, you know, avoidance TOTALLY works and is a valid and sane strategy. *eyeroll*

Big hugs and thanks again to everyone for your lovely comments yesterday! *sniff* (I was totally going to link here to a YouTube Ren &Stimpy episode featuring Haggis McHaggis saying "Don't make me cry! Ye canna..... make me cry!", but I can't find it. I HAVE found about a billionty Ren & Stimpy episodes though, so I guess that's Day One of my Holding Pattern Diary pretty much filled up!)